35 years later...

To the man who brought me into the world,

I should be over you by now. I would have moved on and embrace what life has presented me. Still, there is a day when I am inclined to think about you with all the unanswered questions. The puzzle will never be completed and maybe because it is better that way. Maybe because the picture will be more painful to bear.

I don't know how my mother have loved you and I will never know why you betrayed her. Maybe some people are just not meant to stay and that you only have to be in her life for a short time because of me. Life is full of mysteries and at times, apathy can be bliss.

I grew up hating and longing for you at the same time. I partly blamed myself because I might have been the reason why you left -- correction, why you never came for us. Back in those days, people's impression were not that helpful when it comes to "family". It took decades to process all social stigma and I wonder if you have been stigmatised for such abandonment that you pulled.

I will never understand the whys and the hows because probably, they don't matter anymore. However, there are still moments...moments in between seconds when I ask the Universe if ever you think of me, too. I will never know...

I have forgiven you; in spite and despite of it all, I will always remain...

Your daughter.

#OneDayIWill

One day... someday..
I will be free from the constraints of the society
Not to be compared or to be deemed as a weaker gender
Nor to be scrutinized for the emotions I bare..

One day... someday..
I will walk to the streets with my head held high
Not because I am better but because the world is
And that the efforts for equality are not in vain...

One day... someday..
I will embrace my femininity with fervor
Not because I am perfect but because I am perfectly imperfect
And that my scars have written my history
And my wrinkles say I have lived.

One day... someday ..
I will tell my sons and daughters to seize the day
To look beyond the physical capsule that sets them apart
Look beyond and see that we were all made the same...

One day... someday..
Men and Women would realise who we really are
We are all humans - armed with strengths and weaknesses
No one is better -- one cannot live without the other

One day... someday..
There will be equality...
That one day starts NOW.

Bicolindia Express

My attachment to Italian and Indian food  was  due to the literal hard wiring in my head...

In one of my conversations with my Mom, she told me that she used to apply olive oil to my scalp when I was a toddler so that my baby fine hair would eventually grow thicker. I didn't ask if somehow she was able to add basil as well.

In my elementary years, I remember  having my head swabbed with coconut milk -- usually on a Sunday, so that my still baby fine hair would grow thicker.  Honestly, I think it was just a strategy so that I will stay home rather than be playing outside. So it's really not because I am half-Indian that I love curry. Hard wiring, indeed...

I have probably cooked Bicol Express inside my head for a dozen of times and before the cauldron overflows, I have finally decided to put it into work in my favourite place in the world -- HOME.

I like the fact that cooking is old school at The House of Mamang and that, basically, you have to make everything from scratch. (Thank you, Manang Nene for the kudkuran!)

One coconut has yielded 2 cups of coconut cream and 3 cups coconut milk. The difference?
The amount of water that you place and how eager you are when squeezing out the life.. the juice from the meat.

Red Thai Chili is the variety often used in Bicol Express but I prefer green chili for its heat and tang. That's the THANG!


However, I was only able to get the Paitan variety at the grocery store so I was a bit worried since I am not familiar with the heat intensity.

The traditional proportion is to have the same heaping level between the pork meat and the chili but I decided against the idea for sanity's sake.

The ginger was a spontaneous decision but worked well in balancing the pungency of the shrimp paste.

I had a couple of pork belly strips and a pound lean pork meat.  I wanted the fat to be crunchy so I sauteed it with a small amount of water until it renders oil. Save the excess for future use.

With a little oil left in the pan, I started sauteing with ginger, then onions until they became translucent, garlic and chili.  I added two tiny blocks of shrimp paste and blend them all together until an enticing aroma enveloped the house.  I threw in the pork meat as soon as somebody knocked at the door asking, "What's that smell?"

When the meat was slightly brown, I just poured enough coconut milk to cover the meat and let it simmer until the liquid has  reduced.  Low fire, baby!

This was the only time that I checked for the saltiness and  added ground peppercorns. I think I sprinkled a bit of salt before lacing the pork with coconut cream. I let it simmer for 10 minutes or so before serving.  I added extra chili for garnish but next time, I will use leeks.


Bicolindia Express -- cooked with passion and seasoned with love.

But a Dream...

For some people, dreams are significant and sacred for it is believed to be the link of the past, present and future.  Dreams are even part of Sigmund Freud's psychosexual analysis since our unconscious self -- the raw, uninhibited side of us, is awake.

The most recent dream startled me this morning as the realization dawned on to me as to why was I awoken -- because I had to walk to away..

Devoid of any biases and conclusions, these are the bits and pieces that my conscious memory is trying the encapsulate. Let's just call them assumptions and suspend our disbelief.

Assumption 1:  There was supposed to be a big event and guests are coming in from different countries and provinces. I recognized the city as my hometown, Bacolod but I am visiting as a tourist and not as an old-timer.

Assumption 2:  My "significant other" is actually a native of the place and looks like 12 years younger but there is tension between us that we are both trying to avoid each other. It was a silent drama of stolen glances and anxiety.

Assumption 3: I met this bubbly girl who's about 4' 10'' and probably of my age. She looked very happy as tells a story to a circle of friends which, surprisingly, I belonged to as well. She said she was pregnant and the father was "MY S/O"!

Assumption 4:  This is a bit blurry but I remember an attempt to have a conversation with him and then there was an explosion or commotion of sorts.  I saw my S/O with an amputated leg and/or arm. Then I said to myself, "I must leave.. I didn't know that he sticks his dick somewhere else when I am not around..."

Back to reality...

I've come to realized that my dream is not about cheating... It's my own insecurity setting me up -- such a low blow!  Still, in the end, the Inner Goddess wins!

Merrily...merrily...merrily... life is but a dream...

thank you, thirty-two...

Dear Thirty-two,

A few minutes from now, you would be leaving... While some would like to hang on, I, on the other hand, will graciously let you go. It had been a wonderful year with you -- from the fights, frustrations, and fears to the laughter, love, and liquor.

We made promises and some we've never kept but we never walked out on each other. I know I drove you mad for slipping away with Twenty-three yet you were patient.

Despite of it all, you kept FAITH. You have shown me strength and courage during my lowest points and whispered wonderful thoughts when I feel that the world is castigating me. I will be forever grateful.

Thank you for showing me that LOVE is fueled by FAITH and never of FEAR – that, it is okay to let go because faith knows there is tomorrow... Ultimately, I will be fine and things will get better.



Giving you my last embrace,

Hya

Things that go Bump in the Night...

There are nights when things go bump and awaken you in fear. Is it a burglar, is it a ghost or is it just a dream? With a flick of the light switch, you would know whether you'd be scared or not. I wish it's that easy.... 

It is never easy when Uncertainty goes bump in the middle of the night, right between wakefulness and sleep - when you are one step closer to dream zone... 

Uncertainty comes in bearing questions that burn inside your head and decisions take two confirmations instead of one but you just can't let it go and it won't leave you in peace either...

Uncertainty takes you to Dante's hell-- to the seventh level called Limbo. Pitch black and cold, nothing to do but to sit and hug yourself as it drains your happiness and all good memories are sucked out until you feel empty... nothing...worthless...

The burning questions cast off a soft glow of fiery red. 

Do you see this "thing" as something serious?

Would it be long-term? 

What is the next step?

What are the risks and sacrifices?

Is this out of love or out of fear?

It is a trial by fire, they will burn you if your intentions are not true. Truth is a ruthless friend and can hurt you like a foe but it always rejoices in the right. 

      Courage, please come with your armor. I am ready now. Is Time on my side?

The Warrior in Dancing Shoes

The elements are the same
       Battle-bred... Forged out of steel
                            Made tough by the demons

His principles... Her discipline
                       He fought with power
                                             She, with grace

Onto the battlefield
          Swords wielded reflecting the sun
                                Armors rusted...blood crusted
                                                                                                                              

Blazing eyes of dark to light
      Of  fear
          Of faith

                                                                        The dangerous dance begins...

Do not mock my skin
       I have seen horrors as much as you do 
Do not judge my strength according to the thickness of my limbs
       My spirit is limitless 
Laugh at my sword -- puny against the gothic axe you wield 
       Feel the cold blade cut through you -- flesh and bones 
You fight with power and anger
       Relentless to the core
Yet here you stand 
      Captured by movement and art....

I am your mystery...

I am the Warrior in Dancing Shoes....

CosMythology

It must have been the period of the Great Destruction when all of the 9 Worlds are at risk.  A threat that could leave the whole universe into a senseless void until another supernova can spark another life out of chaos...

The Universe has been enveloped by Greed -- a black hole who vowed to end all existence.  It has been a battle of light and darkness in the cosmos since time immemorial and only the gods and goddesses could have witnessed and suffered because of immortality. Death can sometimes be a welcoming thought...

Odin needed Zeus to stop the impending doom and despite his reluctance to put Olympus in jeopardy, he knew that Greed would be invading his own world soon. On his chariot of fire, Zeus rode with the young Athena. A promising lady who thinks like he does yet as gentle as rain shower. She has her father's determined chin and dark eyes that holds vast accounts of learning through history. She has absorbed all stories and analyzed all battles. Athena looked forward to her first real adventure -- eager and armed...

The flaming horses reached the gates of colored crystals. It was a long journey yet sleep would have to wait. There was not a moment to waste. They were whisked away to a large chamber where replicas of the planets are floating...reflecting reality. The darkness has enveloped most of the constellations.  The world of men is in peril. The stars could no longer guide the Vikings.

"Blond and arrogant", thought Athena as she observed Odin's son from the corner of her eye. "He, too, has the power of thunder, just like Father...well, almost"...

"Her eyes..." Thor could not fathom his thoughts...his fascination..."Her eyes are like deep pools of mystery; a-waiting to be unraveled..."

The tensed connection of these two godly beings was diluted because of the war at hand. There were moments when stares linger and movements encapsulated. It was dance and deception rolled into one. No one noticed the silent drama unfolding except for Fate who was amused by the whole scenario.

With a flick of fingers, the two younglings found themselves in the realm of Heimdallr -- keeper of the gates.  He had golden irises for he sees what could not be seen. He knew the reason of the guarded beatings of two hearts.

Dark eyes to blue.. wariness in the air but the polarity is mightier. They stood side by side and stared at the grandeur of the 9 worlds with only the golden keeper bearing witness to the silent dance of emotions yet saddened by the ill-fated reality that is about to shatter the magical swirls.

Both are bounded to their duties..to their worlds... He's going to be king... Her own people are waiting...

The memory is now just an incomplete verse hummed by the winds as Athena walks along the Enchanted Forest...

                                           Valhalla is so far away
                                                       Myriads of lifetimes in between
                                                                     The runes lay tranquil...waiting to be written...

Desideliria

Out of random female conversations on a sunny Thursday morning, a colleague sent a three-page synopsis of Delirium by Lauren Oliver. From just the title itself, my brain sent flashes of varying states of psychoses -- from depression to desolation which I carried with me until lunchtime as I devoured a piece of chicken that probably died of a heart attack due to the oil surrounding it. Nevertheless, it still tastes like chicken.

Fifteen minutes before I switch to work mode, I opened the file and all of the  psychotic images inside my head were sucked by a powerful force called Curiosity. The first line stated:

'The most dangerous sicknesses are those that make us believe we are well. —Proverb 42, The Book of Shhh  '

The book of what?!?! My eyes frantically scanned the words as my mind dissect the thoughts. So far, nothing pertinent can give me a clue on who or what "SHHH" is. Why the name? Why three "H's" instead of two? Once again, the hamster inside my head had to crank up the adrenaline system as speculations are brewing and my ego screaming, "I WANT THIS BOOK!!!".  My curiosity has subsided, knowing that it's book hunting this weekend.

However, my bored and sulking inner goddess was piqued...moved to tears...  I've read it again and again just trying to make sure I am not having a visit from dyslexia.  It penned, "Amor Deliria Nervosa". Dark smoke is swirling around her and I knew that it's just a matter of time before she takes the center stage of my mind. These are her lamentations.

"LOVE is a disease?!? Why should one call love a disease? Worse,  for the whole world to believe? The scientists have perfected the CURE?!? Why must love be to blame?  Love is the very reason we are here. We do not die because of it or for the lack of it. We just simply die...

Imagine a world without love. A world where relationships are mere transactions of convenient co-habitation and sex is just a means to pro-creation.

Never shall we feel the exhilaration...the rush of first blush as we stare into the object of our affection. Gone are the butterflies that tickle the stomach as we finally decide to go on a first date. 

Would we ever remember the spine-tingling, toe-curling sweetness of first kiss as it leaves you breathless and yearning for more?

Love is not a disease.. It is POWER -- an infinite capacity to embrace the universe.  Love did not cause madness, it's GREED.  Greed has corrupted Love's divinity and principles.  Greed made us feel hollow and obscured the radiating light from within. Greed blinded us with selfish desires and drove people to insanity.

The truth is... Love dwells in you. The first requirement is to love yourself. Let the power grow within and it will emanate. We never have to take because love is in giving. Love is universal, it will never bend. That is why we cannot wield it to serve us. We serve Love, then, you will get what you deserve..."

Cosmic War

let the rain fall down
heal the scorching fire
break the enchantment
the river is not too wide

cast a protective spell
the sanctuary must not fall
somber bells have spoken in tune
time will seize the moment

dawn purifies the dark soul
the arrows, poison-tipped
truth in its utmost vigilance
the universe is finally at peace....

Babel

"Talk to me in words I speak ... Your silence hurls a thousand more..."

The soul in the eyes have faded into a void... The gap widens as proximity closes in... The goddess no longer giggles... Her laughter has turned to somber... despair... numbness... The warrior remains still in his armor rusted by sweat and tears... He gladly take the metal against skin-to-skin...

Here lies the remnant of a blazing passion that mimics the twinkling of the stars... A replica of dark heavens on earth... A glorious past in shambles and monuments of love lay in ruins... Savagery has run amuck as it sack the sanctity of her temple... Faith grew blind with every sip of nectar from a forbidden garden...

What fate would come or maybe Fate had left...

Punch Drunk Love

A reply to Common Kings' "Alcoholic" ... 

 

You’re the perfect pair to my Tanqueray

Lips of salty lime and cherry

And with every sip

My mind’s a-drift

You make me wanna go down

 

Baby, you’re potent as the Green Fairy

Smoother than the premium Hennessy

My Tequila Sunrise in the darkness

So insatiable when I am with you

 

Punch drunk  love, I’m blushin’

Baby, drown me in your lovin’

Drinkin’ you up, I so love it

You’re the reason I’m an alcoholic

 

You’re the unique flavor that I seek

My Absolut favorite of all mixed drink

Take me away to your Paradise

My Blue Hawaii in crushed ice

 

I thirst for you like champagne

Baby, I’m sparkling when you call my name

So in love with you

 

Still cravin’

 

Your love is the only love I’m tastin’

Oooh boy, you’re so intoxicating

Your love keeps me drinking

I’ve never been so drunk

Beauty is Madness...

"Is she pretty?" -- a close-ended question that left my motor mouth choking and sputtering before it could give a fair answer of YES or NO.  A simple question shifted my neurons into high gear as it began to theorize, rationalize and philosophize the idea of beauty.

Does beauty have color, size and shape? Does it have categories wherein one can be described as pretty but not beautiful (and cute is even a senseless word in the world of Art)?  Does it define personality or is it the other way around?

Probably, the greatest deception ever pulled  was convincing the whole human race that our uniqueness is an imperfection and the society's dictates of what is and is not pleasing caused self-appreciation to evolve into self-depreciation.  It's a whole evolution process in retrograde.

So what is beauty?  A perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction. An in-the-moment euphoric sensation. A swirl of emotion. A breathtaking impression.  A fiery passion. A violent reaction. An internal combustion...

Madness... madness... Indeed.

Once Upon A Time

Circumstances were cloudy and vague just like clear bottle left for ages.  Bits and pieces were all that was left in the prelude to adulthood. Random conversations that somehow made sense and asking for A/S/L made a difference. Things evolved in ways that most people would never understand. At the height of technological revolution, the world became small yet  both were strangers in the confines of the town.

He was the Lion King and she was  Little Mermaid.  Two species could never co-exist. No point defining a relationship borne out of virtual synchronicity -- whether it was love or plain insanity.
They existed in the world wide web, an omniverse of coded messages, witty remarks and sweet nothings in data packets.

Nineteen... thirteen...none....

Nineteen when the first bunch of roses  and chocolates were delivered with scribbles proving existence.  Words that screamed his name. Thirteen years and still she calls out the same.... Wonder if the universe has a play in mind...

 He was not the "Happily ever after" but the best "Once Upon A Time"....

I am a WOMAN.

I am a WOMAN.

My temper is as erratic as

the tides,  My tears flow for

all the joys and sorrows

I am STRONG.

My body can carry another life

in this world. My intentions are

pure and love -- unconditional

I am DELICATE.

I am a flower -- fragrant and fragile

Protect me, cherish me

Love me

I am HUMAN

Do not mock me, betray me

or hurt me.  I am neither above

nor beneath you

I am ME.

I do not intend to show the

world that I can do better.

I just want to show the world that

I CAN.

Haikulogy

Whip it like a cream
Cold hearted,  in need of life
Stoke the fire tonight

                        Trace the hallowed spine
                        Deep breaths anticipating
                        Pain, pleasure and thrill

                                                 Smoked mirrors abound
                                                 Illusion touches the mind
                                                The cycle begins

                                                                         Sweet ephemeral
                                                                         Of souls entwined in despair
                                                                         Begging for one more

Love's Divine Secret

In retrospect, I decided to end a budding 9-month relationship on the last week of January 2012 but it has gone through a typical we-can-work-it-out phase so it finally ended around first week of March. I thought at that time, I was ready to love again after my 7-year relationship had its curtain call last 2010. I have prayed for guidance and had even attended a 40-day series about love -- thinking that this will make me become a better lover and bag a better loved one. Let's face it, I am not in the prime of life when it comes to marriages and I am about to miss the marriage wagon. In short, I was in a hurry.

I am not a fan of courtship mainly because of the hype. Flowers and chocolates are fancy and yes, at times it would be nice to receive such gifts, but to woo someone with these trivial things is just passe. My relationship pattern is more of attraction, good conversation, common ground, a tad bit of time and then, BOOM! All of the "love" seminars I have attended would always focus on the courtship stage -- that you have to be pursued, he should fit your checklist and the other standards one has to comply. If this is going to be it, probably I just open a quality assurance business on courtship. What if no one is pursuing you? Do you just wait for "The One"?

The most recent relationship I've had was eye-opening. It has actually led me to solitary confinement. The relationship was gangrene -- he was wounded as I was healing. Scientifically,you can't expect total healing but a contamination or infection has a higher probability. Such attachment was destructive so it had to be cut off which leaves me back to square one -- treatment.


I don't blame the other party for delaying my journey, rather, I will take time someday to thank this person for giving me a wider perspective on love and life. I will apologize, as well, because he had to be bearer of these bittersweet memories that I have. Memories are tricky if you don't know how to deal with them. Others may try to forget, some wallow and get stuck, few would move on. I would like to LEARN from these moments. These are my premise to a brand new way of living and loving.


So am I ready for love? Yes I am ready for love. I am ready to embrace the whole concept of loving and its realities. I am ready for LOVE to teach me how to love on a level that I don't lose myself to the mundane dictates of society. I now leave my rose-colored glasses in my imaginary world as a form of entertainment. The honeymoon stage is part of reality and most of the time, I get stuck to the idea that it will always be that way. This time, I'd like to work backstage and learn how honeymoon moments can be created as a relationship progresses.

A friend of mine has tagged me to a certain blog that has affirmed my perspective and has uplifted my whole Being. The most poignant thought that struck me was:

"The ones who prepare you, make you question everything, especially yourself. The great one does not question you and you don’t either."

I always believe that there are no accidents and we are moved by certain energies or God's will, to make an impact on people and events. Sometimes we are called to do things despite and in spite of it all because of a certain purpose. Sometimes we have to hurt people, help people or save people.

Looking back on all of my serious, not-so serious, deceptive, virtual, illegal and ephemeral relationships, I can say that each single moment has created a butterfly effect in my life. They have made me question every fiber of my being -- my values, self-worth, image, and personality.

Such learning through the years have made understood WHO I AM. My paradigm has shifted and probably because of age, those "failed" relationships are actually all successful relationships. The goal was never to bag someone for the rest of my life. The goal was to turn me into a well-balanced person. Someone who is whole and not incomplete, scarred, yes, but definitely not broken.

Love has its way of teaching me its divine secrets and promises. Love is not teaching me how to become a better girlfriend or a better wife. Love is not telling me to have checklists and rulers. Love is not showing me the happy-ever after.

The divine secret: Love dwells within me. It's telling me to use its powers to embrace life the way we welcome sunshine so early in the morning. Yes, bask under the sunlight of life with love in your heart.

Realizing this, my fear for missing the marriage wagon has disappeared. It will happen when it happens. My happiness does not depend on my civil status.

I am traveling on a river with all its ebbs and flows. I may go against the tide or drift to wherever the wind may take me. I may meet my great one or have another "successful" relationship along the way. For now, I am my great one.


I don't want to be adored, I want to be appreciated.
I don't want to be strong, I want to be empowered.
I don't want to be compared, I want to be respected.
I don't want someone to complete me. I want to be whole

Hermit Thoughts

In a world where women empowerment is the stronghold of the female species, many has stepped up to the ranks of various professions and positions where men used to take the rein and rule. From Cleopatra to Eleanor Roosevelt to Oprah, the world has witnessed a change that has brought society's point of view into greater heights and deeper perspective. So maybe the saying is true... "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world".

Some of male species have taken the back seat because a lot of women today are more successful, more driven and just keep on wanting more. Have we really replaced or displaced the men in the society? At some instances, I've heard from several women their own version of I-don't-need-a-man speech spoken with such conviction and such passion. So do we only need men during pro-creation? Does being submissive mean that you are weak as a woman?

Much as we try to keep up or try to outlast this world of survival, the moment that we get home to our own place- to our own space that we have worked hard to get)- at the back of our minds, we are still longing and yearning for some strong, loving arms ready to embrace us because we are too stressed out or to have someone ask us, "Honey, how was your day?".

Yes, we can be successful as much as we can. We can succeed in any line of business we can think of but at the end of the day we still want a mate..a partner... a best friend...a lover to share our the nitty gritty things in life. We still giggle on moments when ordinary things make our days extraordinary.


We are all made for relationships....

Uncertainty

I dwell in the eyes of fate
And see none of my existence
For I sojourn the untravelled road
Which led to pain, joy, hope and desperation

I am scorched by the heat, blistered by the steam
Still, I try to fathom what the eyes could not see
Into the abyss I fall endlessly
And silence was my only companion...

Any Given Sunday

Sundays back in my hometown were times of reflection and family gatherings.  The streets were quiet, most people are dressed up and the chiming of the church bells adds to the eeriness.  The montage is like an episode of Alfred Hitchcock's Twilight Zone. 

Sundays in OC have been lazy due to my orientation that one has to be on a contemplative mood during the first day of the week which leads me to my Gastro Lab for some wicked concoction in mind after chatting with some folks abroad.

My conversations with my dad are always lighthearted and funny even when things are serious. Work  and health are the main entrees with poker on the side. The constant bickering between him and mom are desserts simply because they're just so sweet.  I just hope someday, my love life would not be the appetizer.

In one particular Sunday, Dad's signature Ribs ala Mario popped  while I was having the usual Facetime with my mom to discuss the Vanilla Bread Pudding I was set to make that day but I was curious enough (as always) to ask for dad's cooking ritual.

My dad came calling as I walk aimlessly from floor to floor with an agenda to tire myself out and head straight home. I have defied the ritual and led myself astray to the labyrinth of stocks while I convince myself that I needed them.  Now, I've understood why I had to stay home on Sundays -- to avoid the  battle of the 12 egos.

The goodness of garlic and lemons were bouncing on my cart as I find  myself buying a rack of ribs just because my dad-across-the-continent just ordered me to do so.  Back at my lab, I was the mad scientist again trying to figure out the correct formula for the famous ribs. The House of Sharma was divinely pungent from all the garlic -- enough to ward off any vampires in the midst.

After two hours of experimentation, I was satisfied with the results but I vow to  myself that I need more specimen to do justice to my dad's specialty.  The Vanilla Pudding had to take the backseat as my joints protested to the whole ordeal. I decided to call my Mom, instead.

By some cosmic intervention, this Aquarian Goddess whom I've inherited my looks and all just had the power to summon me back to my drawing board and start the Vanilla sauce with her giving pointers then leave me on my own since she has an appointment.  Shheesh... Nevertheless, I carried on with my mission.

Bone-tired and sleepy... I knew this is going to take its toll on my joints the next... But I'd trade any given Sunday just to cook for my parents halfway around the globe.