In retrospect, I decided to end a budding 9-month relationship on the last week of January 2012 but it has gone through a typical we-can-work-it-out phase so it finally ended around first week of March. I thought at that time, I was ready to love again after my 7-year relationship had its curtain call last 2010. I have prayed for guidance and had even attended a 40-day series about love -- thinking that this will make me become a better lover and bag a better loved one. Let's face it, I am not in the prime of life when it comes to marriages and I am about to miss the marriage wagon. In short, I was in a hurry.
I am not a fan of courtship mainly because of the hype. Flowers and chocolates are fancy and yes, at times it would be nice to receive such gifts, but to woo someone with these trivial things is just passe. My relationship pattern is more of attraction, good conversation, common ground, a tad bit of time and then, BOOM! All of the "love" seminars I have attended would always focus on the courtship stage -- that you have to be pursued, he should fit your checklist and the other standards one has to comply. If this is going to be it, probably I just open a quality assurance business on courtship. What if no one is pursuing you? Do you just wait for "The One"?
The most recent relationship I've had was eye-opening. It has actually led me to solitary confinement. The relationship was gangrene -- he was wounded as I was healing. Scientifically,you can't expect total healing but a contamination or infection has a higher probability. Such attachment was destructive so it had to be cut off which leaves me back to square one -- treatment.
I don't blame the other party for delaying my journey, rather, I will take time someday to thank this person for giving me a wider perspective on love and life. I will apologize, as well, because he had to be bearer of these bittersweet memories that I have. Memories are tricky if you don't know how to deal with them. Others may try to forget, some wallow and get stuck, few would move on. I would like to LEARN from these moments. These are my premise to a brand new way of living and loving.
So am I ready for love? Yes I am ready for love. I am ready to embrace the whole concept of loving and its realities. I am ready for LOVE to teach me how to love on a level that I don't lose myself to the mundane dictates of society. I now leave my rose-colored glasses in my imaginary world as a form of entertainment. The honeymoon stage is part of reality and most of the time, I get stuck to the idea that it will always be that way. This time, I'd like to work backstage and learn how honeymoon moments can be created as a relationship progresses.
A friend of mine has tagged me to a certain blog that has affirmed my perspective and has uplifted my whole Being. The most poignant thought that struck me was:
"The ones who prepare you, make you question everything, especially yourself. The great one does not question you and you don’t either."
I always believe that there are no accidents and we are moved by certain energies or God's will, to make an impact on people and events. Sometimes we are called to do things despite and in spite of it all because of a certain purpose. Sometimes we have to hurt people, help people or save people.
Looking back on all of my serious, not-so serious, deceptive, virtual, illegal and ephemeral relationships, I can say that each single moment has created a butterfly effect in my life. They have made me question every fiber of my being -- my values, self-worth, image, and personality.
Such learning through the years have made understood WHO I AM. My paradigm has shifted and probably because of age, those "failed" relationships are actually all successful relationships. The goal was never to bag someone for the rest of my life. The goal was to turn me into a well-balanced person. Someone who is whole and not incomplete, scarred, yes, but definitely not broken.
Love has its way of teaching me its divine secrets and promises. Love is not teaching me how to become a better girlfriend or a better wife. Love is not telling me to have checklists and rulers. Love is not showing me the happy-ever after.
The divine secret: Love dwells within me. It's telling me to use its powers to embrace life the way we welcome sunshine so early in the morning. Yes, bask under the sunlight of life with love in your heart.
Realizing this, my fear for missing the marriage wagon has disappeared. It will happen when it happens. My happiness does not depend on my civil status.
I am traveling on a river with all its ebbs and flows. I may go against the tide or drift to wherever the wind may take me. I may meet my great one or have another "successful" relationship along the way. For now, I am my great one.
I don't want to be adored, I want to be appreciated.
I don't want to be strong, I want to be empowered.
I don't want to be compared, I want to be respected.
I don't want someone to complete me. I want to be whole
Here lies the remnant of a blazing passion that mimics the twinkling of the stars... A replica of dark heavens on earth... A glorious past in shambles and monuments of love lay in ruins... Savagery has run amuck as it sack the sanctity of her temple... Faith grew blind with every sip of nectar from a forbidden garden... 
