Babel

"Talk to me in words I speak ... Your silence hurls a thousand more..."

The soul in the eyes have faded into a void... The gap widens as proximity closes in... The goddess no longer giggles... Her laughter has turned to somber... despair... numbness... The warrior remains still in his armor rusted by sweat and tears... He gladly take the metal against skin-to-skin...

Here lies the remnant of a blazing passion that mimics the twinkling of the stars... A replica of dark heavens on earth... A glorious past in shambles and monuments of love lay in ruins... Savagery has run amuck as it sack the sanctity of her temple... Faith grew blind with every sip of nectar from a forbidden garden...

What fate would come or maybe Fate had left...

Punch Drunk Love

A reply to Common Kings' "Alcoholic" ... 

 

You’re the perfect pair to my Tanqueray

Lips of salty lime and cherry

And with every sip

My mind’s a-drift

You make me wanna go down

 

Baby, you’re potent as the Green Fairy

Smoother than the premium Hennessy

My Tequila Sunrise in the darkness

So insatiable when I am with you

 

Punch drunk  love, I’m blushin’

Baby, drown me in your lovin’

Drinkin’ you up, I so love it

You’re the reason I’m an alcoholic

 

You’re the unique flavor that I seek

My Absolut favorite of all mixed drink

Take me away to your Paradise

My Blue Hawaii in crushed ice

 

I thirst for you like champagne

Baby, I’m sparkling when you call my name

So in love with you

 

Still cravin’

 

Your love is the only love I’m tastin’

Oooh boy, you’re so intoxicating

Your love keeps me drinking

I’ve never been so drunk

Beauty is Madness...

"Is she pretty?" -- a close-ended question that left my motor mouth choking and sputtering before it could give a fair answer of YES or NO.  A simple question shifted my neurons into high gear as it began to theorize, rationalize and philosophize the idea of beauty.

Does beauty have color, size and shape? Does it have categories wherein one can be described as pretty but not beautiful (and cute is even a senseless word in the world of Art)?  Does it define personality or is it the other way around?

Probably, the greatest deception ever pulled  was convincing the whole human race that our uniqueness is an imperfection and the society's dictates of what is and is not pleasing caused self-appreciation to evolve into self-depreciation.  It's a whole evolution process in retrograde.

So what is beauty?  A perceptual experience of pleasure or satisfaction. An in-the-moment euphoric sensation. A swirl of emotion. A breathtaking impression.  A fiery passion. A violent reaction. An internal combustion...

Madness... madness... Indeed.

Once Upon A Time

Circumstances were cloudy and vague just like clear bottle left for ages.  Bits and pieces were all that was left in the prelude to adulthood. Random conversations that somehow made sense and asking for A/S/L made a difference. Things evolved in ways that most people would never understand. At the height of technological revolution, the world became small yet  both were strangers in the confines of the town.

He was the Lion King and she was  Little Mermaid.  Two species could never co-exist. No point defining a relationship borne out of virtual synchronicity -- whether it was love or plain insanity.
They existed in the world wide web, an omniverse of coded messages, witty remarks and sweet nothings in data packets.

Nineteen... thirteen...none....

Nineteen when the first bunch of roses  and chocolates were delivered with scribbles proving existence.  Words that screamed his name. Thirteen years and still she calls out the same.... Wonder if the universe has a play in mind...

 He was not the "Happily ever after" but the best "Once Upon A Time"....

I am a WOMAN.

I am a WOMAN.

My temper is as erratic as

the tides,  My tears flow for

all the joys and sorrows

I am STRONG.

My body can carry another life

in this world. My intentions are

pure and love -- unconditional

I am DELICATE.

I am a flower -- fragrant and fragile

Protect me, cherish me

Love me

I am HUMAN

Do not mock me, betray me

or hurt me.  I am neither above

nor beneath you

I am ME.

I do not intend to show the

world that I can do better.

I just want to show the world that

I CAN.

Haikulogy

Whip it like a cream
Cold hearted,  in need of life
Stoke the fire tonight

                        Trace the hallowed spine
                        Deep breaths anticipating
                        Pain, pleasure and thrill

                                                 Smoked mirrors abound
                                                 Illusion touches the mind
                                                The cycle begins

                                                                         Sweet ephemeral
                                                                         Of souls entwined in despair
                                                                         Begging for one more

Love's Divine Secret

In retrospect, I decided to end a budding 9-month relationship on the last week of January 2012 but it has gone through a typical we-can-work-it-out phase so it finally ended around first week of March. I thought at that time, I was ready to love again after my 7-year relationship had its curtain call last 2010. I have prayed for guidance and had even attended a 40-day series about love -- thinking that this will make me become a better lover and bag a better loved one. Let's face it, I am not in the prime of life when it comes to marriages and I am about to miss the marriage wagon. In short, I was in a hurry.

I am not a fan of courtship mainly because of the hype. Flowers and chocolates are fancy and yes, at times it would be nice to receive such gifts, but to woo someone with these trivial things is just passe. My relationship pattern is more of attraction, good conversation, common ground, a tad bit of time and then, BOOM! All of the "love" seminars I have attended would always focus on the courtship stage -- that you have to be pursued, he should fit your checklist and the other standards one has to comply. If this is going to be it, probably I just open a quality assurance business on courtship. What if no one is pursuing you? Do you just wait for "The One"?

The most recent relationship I've had was eye-opening. It has actually led me to solitary confinement. The relationship was gangrene -- he was wounded as I was healing. Scientifically,you can't expect total healing but a contamination or infection has a higher probability. Such attachment was destructive so it had to be cut off which leaves me back to square one -- treatment.


I don't blame the other party for delaying my journey, rather, I will take time someday to thank this person for giving me a wider perspective on love and life. I will apologize, as well, because he had to be bearer of these bittersweet memories that I have. Memories are tricky if you don't know how to deal with them. Others may try to forget, some wallow and get stuck, few would move on. I would like to LEARN from these moments. These are my premise to a brand new way of living and loving.


So am I ready for love? Yes I am ready for love. I am ready to embrace the whole concept of loving and its realities. I am ready for LOVE to teach me how to love on a level that I don't lose myself to the mundane dictates of society. I now leave my rose-colored glasses in my imaginary world as a form of entertainment. The honeymoon stage is part of reality and most of the time, I get stuck to the idea that it will always be that way. This time, I'd like to work backstage and learn how honeymoon moments can be created as a relationship progresses.

A friend of mine has tagged me to a certain blog that has affirmed my perspective and has uplifted my whole Being. The most poignant thought that struck me was:

"The ones who prepare you, make you question everything, especially yourself. The great one does not question you and you don’t either."

I always believe that there are no accidents and we are moved by certain energies or God's will, to make an impact on people and events. Sometimes we are called to do things despite and in spite of it all because of a certain purpose. Sometimes we have to hurt people, help people or save people.

Looking back on all of my serious, not-so serious, deceptive, virtual, illegal and ephemeral relationships, I can say that each single moment has created a butterfly effect in my life. They have made me question every fiber of my being -- my values, self-worth, image, and personality.

Such learning through the years have made understood WHO I AM. My paradigm has shifted and probably because of age, those "failed" relationships are actually all successful relationships. The goal was never to bag someone for the rest of my life. The goal was to turn me into a well-balanced person. Someone who is whole and not incomplete, scarred, yes, but definitely not broken.

Love has its way of teaching me its divine secrets and promises. Love is not teaching me how to become a better girlfriend or a better wife. Love is not telling me to have checklists and rulers. Love is not showing me the happy-ever after.

The divine secret: Love dwells within me. It's telling me to use its powers to embrace life the way we welcome sunshine so early in the morning. Yes, bask under the sunlight of life with love in your heart.

Realizing this, my fear for missing the marriage wagon has disappeared. It will happen when it happens. My happiness does not depend on my civil status.

I am traveling on a river with all its ebbs and flows. I may go against the tide or drift to wherever the wind may take me. I may meet my great one or have another "successful" relationship along the way. For now, I am my great one.


I don't want to be adored, I want to be appreciated.
I don't want to be strong, I want to be empowered.
I don't want to be compared, I want to be respected.
I don't want someone to complete me. I want to be whole

Hermit Thoughts

In a world where women empowerment is the stronghold of the female species, many has stepped up to the ranks of various professions and positions where men used to take the rein and rule. From Cleopatra to Eleanor Roosevelt to Oprah, the world has witnessed a change that has brought society's point of view into greater heights and deeper perspective. So maybe the saying is true... "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world".

Some of male species have taken the back seat because a lot of women today are more successful, more driven and just keep on wanting more. Have we really replaced or displaced the men in the society? At some instances, I've heard from several women their own version of I-don't-need-a-man speech spoken with such conviction and such passion. So do we only need men during pro-creation? Does being submissive mean that you are weak as a woman?

Much as we try to keep up or try to outlast this world of survival, the moment that we get home to our own place- to our own space that we have worked hard to get)- at the back of our minds, we are still longing and yearning for some strong, loving arms ready to embrace us because we are too stressed out or to have someone ask us, "Honey, how was your day?".

Yes, we can be successful as much as we can. We can succeed in any line of business we can think of but at the end of the day we still want a mate..a partner... a best friend...a lover to share our the nitty gritty things in life. We still giggle on moments when ordinary things make our days extraordinary.


We are all made for relationships....

Uncertainty

I dwell in the eyes of fate
And see none of my existence
For I sojourn the untravelled road
Which led to pain, joy, hope and desperation

I am scorched by the heat, blistered by the steam
Still, I try to fathom what the eyes could not see
Into the abyss I fall endlessly
And silence was my only companion...

Any Given Sunday

Sundays back in my hometown were times of reflection and family gatherings.  The streets were quiet, most people are dressed up and the chiming of the church bells adds to the eeriness.  The montage is like an episode of Alfred Hitchcock's Twilight Zone. 

Sundays in OC have been lazy due to my orientation that one has to be on a contemplative mood during the first day of the week which leads me to my Gastro Lab for some wicked concoction in mind after chatting with some folks abroad.

My conversations with my dad are always lighthearted and funny even when things are serious. Work  and health are the main entrees with poker on the side. The constant bickering between him and mom are desserts simply because they're just so sweet.  I just hope someday, my love life would not be the appetizer.

In one particular Sunday, Dad's signature Ribs ala Mario popped  while I was having the usual Facetime with my mom to discuss the Vanilla Bread Pudding I was set to make that day but I was curious enough (as always) to ask for dad's cooking ritual.

My dad came calling as I walk aimlessly from floor to floor with an agenda to tire myself out and head straight home. I have defied the ritual and led myself astray to the labyrinth of stocks while I convince myself that I needed them.  Now, I've understood why I had to stay home on Sundays -- to avoid the  battle of the 12 egos.

The goodness of garlic and lemons were bouncing on my cart as I find  myself buying a rack of ribs just because my dad-across-the-continent just ordered me to do so.  Back at my lab, I was the mad scientist again trying to figure out the correct formula for the famous ribs. The House of Sharma was divinely pungent from all the garlic -- enough to ward off any vampires in the midst.

After two hours of experimentation, I was satisfied with the results but I vow to  myself that I need more specimen to do justice to my dad's specialty.  The Vanilla Pudding had to take the backseat as my joints protested to the whole ordeal. I decided to call my Mom, instead.

By some cosmic intervention, this Aquarian Goddess whom I've inherited my looks and all just had the power to summon me back to my drawing board and start the Vanilla sauce with her giving pointers then leave me on my own since she has an appointment.  Shheesh... Nevertheless, I carried on with my mission.

Bone-tired and sleepy... I knew this is going to take its toll on my joints the next... But I'd trade any given Sunday just to cook for my parents halfway around the globe.

Red Horse Bill

In my usual brooding mood in front of my workstation with my usual brewed coffee courtesy of baby bodum, I came across on of the headlines news online regarding the RH Bill. This has caused a lot of controversy last year and as soon as it was signed, an indefinite TRO was served.  Whether consciously or unconsciously, I never really bothered to broach on this subject despite of my curious nature.  I don't even have any excuses -- I was just apathetic at that time. 

Having hormonal imbalance is my challenge in raising my own family in the nearest future. I prefer the natural method of pro-creation because of my belief in the "Spontaneous Combustion Theory" but with my situation, am I not entitled to a good reproductive health service? 

Contraceptives, much like cigarettes, are generic, over-the-counter commodities which vary in their purpose according to the buyer's perspective but in truth, the former is to protect and the latter, to kill. However, for the others, it is the other way around.

After reading the provisions of the said bill, I'm really wondering  how the religious sector understands this.  It was clearly stated over and over again that we have a choice in accordance to our religious beliefs and such. Am I not seeing the big picture or is this another "justification behind the cross"? Do I allow myself  to be dictated when it comes to pro-creation or raising a family?

 Somehow, reading such melodrama on crying for peotic justice from one of the Bishops has raised my eyebrow to the roof:

“The RH bill is against life (and) so much young blood (would be) shed. May our leaders not give the Divine Child the same Herodian gift of 2,000 years ago: death of the innocents,”

If I remember correctly, Herod mandated all the first borns to be killed, thus, literally, the bloodshed it had created.  I wish they can widen their perspective and try a little empathy. For just a moment, try to be in a woman's shoes -- try to be in mine.

As a born-Catholic, I wondered if people join such groups to be closer to the Almighty or is this just a hierarchal need to belong? My relocations gave me the opportunity  to interact with various religions.  I've realized that  your connection to the Supreme Being will nurture you rather than the congregation.  My spirituality anchors me and it's the same spirituality that guides me in making decisions. 

As an "ex-Sociologist", I have witnessed malnourished mothers and children in most rural areas.  These women are neither empowered nor educated about their rights to proper health care including family planning. Children are prone to disease and some have to earn at a very young age.  These people are the focus of the RH Bill to alleviate the impoverish conditions. Delaying the enactment proves to be more deadly.

As a Course Developer, I am looking forward to learning programs that will enlighten individuals about rights and  responsibilities as citizens.  The term "Sex Education" have been misconstrued as if it's going to teach a person how to have sex. i believe that a "Family Planning Program" should include the importance of family, pro-creation, gender equality and empowerment. Let us not teach people what to fear or avoid, let us teach people how to make the right decisions.

As a woman, I have the right to realize my potentials in my career, parenthood and marriage. I am defined by my actions in accordance to my values and not of organizational affiliations. I have the right to understand unbiased information and to choose accordingly. My choices are based on free will and not of fear.

I personally support this endeavor and to those who are against it, I respect your reasons. Please make sure that your choice is based solely in your own perspective and not because of other people's. 

Zohan the Barberian

I never thought I would understand why women went loco over Scrappy Coco.  It must be the oozing appeal of Zohan that made the women stand in line and wait for effing hours just to get "serviced".  

I've meaning to get a trim since last week and during my usual walk along bustling and wonderful world of ukay, I decided to pop inside any salon that has very few customers.  Thankfully, my preferred salon seems to be in a relaxed mode but still I had to wait for the hairstylist.  

Much to my surprise, I was led to a male hairstylist or should I say a barber.  I've never had my done by a man -- considering that most hairstylist that I know are beckies.  I could have declined but my curiosity was tingling and I had to appease it.  

Mr. Barber looked more of a band member with his goatee and tattoos. I sat as demurely as I could as he gently tuck my shirt collar and covered me with the usual black cloth. His movements were graceful yet manly and his voice was soft and low.  Somehow, I saw the gears in his head when I said "My hair is limp". 

As he started to dampen my hair, I was looking at him through the mirror.  He expression was intense as if he was talking to the thin mop of hair.  As he started to touch my scalp, I felt this relaxing sensation that is both welcoming and weird at the same time. 

I was brooding with my superego as we try to rationalize the heady state we are in. I could have asked but my intuition instantly issued a STOP WORK AUTHORITY.  I closed my eyes instead. 

When I left the salon, my hair has strategically framed my face and looked thicker, all for a price of 2 sundaes.  Good thing he is not Zohan! 

Tea with Mr. Grey

A recent conversation with a friend has boggled my mind on how Christian Grey  -- the craze of the decade, is perceived almost to the point that I even wonder about the impressions I am making for going ga-ga over Mr. Grey.

"Christian Grey does not exist", my friend insisted and I had to rein in my inner goddess before she can succumb to her tirade.  Of course, I agree with my friend that Fifty does not exist but the world of BDSM, child abuse, hope and redemption is as real as you and me. We all have our versions of Fifty Shades of Fucked up (forgive my French).

A hunk with great abs, a billionaire and knows how give pain & pleasure to women -- surely, this person is a figment of a typical writer's imagination. Almost all of the romantic novels I have read share the same profile. The variations are brought by the era, ways of seduction and the play of words.  So even before Christian Grey, women have been dreaming... fantasizing... hoping for their very own Champion.

So am I delusional for dreaming about Christian Grey? Not really... Am just being adorably crazy. I am not expecting my Mr. Grey to be a billionaire, none exist in my country and if there is, he would be Chinese. (No offense meant) My version of Fifty Shades is simply someone who can support my femininity and lifestyle -- I don't need a car or Charlie Tango.

I like his passion -- his obsession, whether feeding the world or stalking a girl, I appreciate the fact that he is not a passive individual because in this era of  women empowerment, most men just stepped back.  How many wives can say that having sex with their husbands is still mind-blowing and that they never had to fake their orgasms? Maybe I am too idealistic or maybe I am just exposing the truth...

Does Christian Grey give us, women, false hopes? I believe it entirely depends on what we are hoping for. I am not hoping for my fairy godmother to bring him to life. I am just hoping that somehow, men would step up to the challenge and love their women as if she is the only girl in the world. Maybe then, we can stop dreaming of Mr. Grey.