I am a WOMAN.

I am a WOMAN.

My temper is as erratic as

the tides,  My tears flow for

all the joys and sorrows

I am STRONG.

My body can carry another life

in this world. My intentions are

pure and love -- unconditional

I am DELICATE.

I am a flower -- fragrant and fragile

Protect me, cherish me

Love me

I am HUMAN

Do not mock me, betray me

or hurt me.  I am neither above

nor beneath you

I am ME.

I do not intend to show the

world that I can do better.

I just want to show the world that

I CAN.

Haikulogy

Whip it like a cream
Cold hearted,  in need of life
Stoke the fire tonight

                        Trace the hallowed spine
                        Deep breaths anticipating
                        Pain, pleasure and thrill

                                                 Smoked mirrors abound
                                                 Illusion touches the mind
                                                The cycle begins

                                                                         Sweet ephemeral
                                                                         Of souls entwined in despair
                                                                         Begging for one more

Love's Divine Secret

In retrospect, I decided to end a budding 9-month relationship on the last week of January 2012 but it has gone through a typical we-can-work-it-out phase so it finally ended around first week of March. I thought at that time, I was ready to love again after my 7-year relationship had its curtain call last 2010. I have prayed for guidance and had even attended a 40-day series about love -- thinking that this will make me become a better lover and bag a better loved one. Let's face it, I am not in the prime of life when it comes to marriages and I am about to miss the marriage wagon. In short, I was in a hurry.

I am not a fan of courtship mainly because of the hype. Flowers and chocolates are fancy and yes, at times it would be nice to receive such gifts, but to woo someone with these trivial things is just passe. My relationship pattern is more of attraction, good conversation, common ground, a tad bit of time and then, BOOM! All of the "love" seminars I have attended would always focus on the courtship stage -- that you have to be pursued, he should fit your checklist and the other standards one has to comply. If this is going to be it, probably I just open a quality assurance business on courtship. What if no one is pursuing you? Do you just wait for "The One"?

The most recent relationship I've had was eye-opening. It has actually led me to solitary confinement. The relationship was gangrene -- he was wounded as I was healing. Scientifically,you can't expect total healing but a contamination or infection has a higher probability. Such attachment was destructive so it had to be cut off which leaves me back to square one -- treatment.


I don't blame the other party for delaying my journey, rather, I will take time someday to thank this person for giving me a wider perspective on love and life. I will apologize, as well, because he had to be bearer of these bittersweet memories that I have. Memories are tricky if you don't know how to deal with them. Others may try to forget, some wallow and get stuck, few would move on. I would like to LEARN from these moments. These are my premise to a brand new way of living and loving.


So am I ready for love? Yes I am ready for love. I am ready to embrace the whole concept of loving and its realities. I am ready for LOVE to teach me how to love on a level that I don't lose myself to the mundane dictates of society. I now leave my rose-colored glasses in my imaginary world as a form of entertainment. The honeymoon stage is part of reality and most of the time, I get stuck to the idea that it will always be that way. This time, I'd like to work backstage and learn how honeymoon moments can be created as a relationship progresses.

A friend of mine has tagged me to a certain blog that has affirmed my perspective and has uplifted my whole Being. The most poignant thought that struck me was:

"The ones who prepare you, make you question everything, especially yourself. The great one does not question you and you don’t either."

I always believe that there are no accidents and we are moved by certain energies or God's will, to make an impact on people and events. Sometimes we are called to do things despite and in spite of it all because of a certain purpose. Sometimes we have to hurt people, help people or save people.

Looking back on all of my serious, not-so serious, deceptive, virtual, illegal and ephemeral relationships, I can say that each single moment has created a butterfly effect in my life. They have made me question every fiber of my being -- my values, self-worth, image, and personality.

Such learning through the years have made understood WHO I AM. My paradigm has shifted and probably because of age, those "failed" relationships are actually all successful relationships. The goal was never to bag someone for the rest of my life. The goal was to turn me into a well-balanced person. Someone who is whole and not incomplete, scarred, yes, but definitely not broken.

Love has its way of teaching me its divine secrets and promises. Love is not teaching me how to become a better girlfriend or a better wife. Love is not telling me to have checklists and rulers. Love is not showing me the happy-ever after.

The divine secret: Love dwells within me. It's telling me to use its powers to embrace life the way we welcome sunshine so early in the morning. Yes, bask under the sunlight of life with love in your heart.

Realizing this, my fear for missing the marriage wagon has disappeared. It will happen when it happens. My happiness does not depend on my civil status.

I am traveling on a river with all its ebbs and flows. I may go against the tide or drift to wherever the wind may take me. I may meet my great one or have another "successful" relationship along the way. For now, I am my great one.


I don't want to be adored, I want to be appreciated.
I don't want to be strong, I want to be empowered.
I don't want to be compared, I want to be respected.
I don't want someone to complete me. I want to be whole

Hermit Thoughts

In a world where women empowerment is the stronghold of the female species, many has stepped up to the ranks of various professions and positions where men used to take the rein and rule. From Cleopatra to Eleanor Roosevelt to Oprah, the world has witnessed a change that has brought society's point of view into greater heights and deeper perspective. So maybe the saying is true... "The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world".

Some of male species have taken the back seat because a lot of women today are more successful, more driven and just keep on wanting more. Have we really replaced or displaced the men in the society? At some instances, I've heard from several women their own version of I-don't-need-a-man speech spoken with such conviction and such passion. So do we only need men during pro-creation? Does being submissive mean that you are weak as a woman?

Much as we try to keep up or try to outlast this world of survival, the moment that we get home to our own place- to our own space that we have worked hard to get)- at the back of our minds, we are still longing and yearning for some strong, loving arms ready to embrace us because we are too stressed out or to have someone ask us, "Honey, how was your day?".

Yes, we can be successful as much as we can. We can succeed in any line of business we can think of but at the end of the day we still want a mate..a partner... a best friend...a lover to share our the nitty gritty things in life. We still giggle on moments when ordinary things make our days extraordinary.


We are all made for relationships....

Uncertainty

I dwell in the eyes of fate
And see none of my existence
For I sojourn the untravelled road
Which led to pain, joy, hope and desperation

I am scorched by the heat, blistered by the steam
Still, I try to fathom what the eyes could not see
Into the abyss I fall endlessly
And silence was my only companion...

Any Given Sunday

Sundays back in my hometown were times of reflection and family gatherings.  The streets were quiet, most people are dressed up and the chiming of the church bells adds to the eeriness.  The montage is like an episode of Alfred Hitchcock's Twilight Zone. 

Sundays in OC have been lazy due to my orientation that one has to be on a contemplative mood during the first day of the week which leads me to my Gastro Lab for some wicked concoction in mind after chatting with some folks abroad.

My conversations with my dad are always lighthearted and funny even when things are serious. Work  and health are the main entrees with poker on the side. The constant bickering between him and mom are desserts simply because they're just so sweet.  I just hope someday, my love life would not be the appetizer.

In one particular Sunday, Dad's signature Ribs ala Mario popped  while I was having the usual Facetime with my mom to discuss the Vanilla Bread Pudding I was set to make that day but I was curious enough (as always) to ask for dad's cooking ritual.

My dad came calling as I walk aimlessly from floor to floor with an agenda to tire myself out and head straight home. I have defied the ritual and led myself astray to the labyrinth of stocks while I convince myself that I needed them.  Now, I've understood why I had to stay home on Sundays -- to avoid the  battle of the 12 egos.

The goodness of garlic and lemons were bouncing on my cart as I find  myself buying a rack of ribs just because my dad-across-the-continent just ordered me to do so.  Back at my lab, I was the mad scientist again trying to figure out the correct formula for the famous ribs. The House of Sharma was divinely pungent from all the garlic -- enough to ward off any vampires in the midst.

After two hours of experimentation, I was satisfied with the results but I vow to  myself that I need more specimen to do justice to my dad's specialty.  The Vanilla Pudding had to take the backseat as my joints protested to the whole ordeal. I decided to call my Mom, instead.

By some cosmic intervention, this Aquarian Goddess whom I've inherited my looks and all just had the power to summon me back to my drawing board and start the Vanilla sauce with her giving pointers then leave me on my own since she has an appointment.  Shheesh... Nevertheless, I carried on with my mission.

Bone-tired and sleepy... I knew this is going to take its toll on my joints the next... But I'd trade any given Sunday just to cook for my parents halfway around the globe.